Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Dear Winter

Dear Winter;

How's it going? Good? I'm happy to hear it. 

Let me tell you how it is with me.  I'm not happy.  I'm not happy at all. 

I've been putting off writing this letter to you, because I thought that maybe you would find out on your own. But since that doesn't appear to be the case, I can no longer stand aside and watch you flounder in such obvious oblivious-ness.  

I don't like you.  None of us do. We didn't want to tell you before, because we figured it would hurt your feelings, and you keep the spiders away, however your recent actions have made it impossible for us to keep quiet any longer.

You make us miserable.  You are dreary, and gray, and overall not very cheerful.  You are boring and dull, and you make us unhappy.  That's not even an exaggeration, because in the winter time, there is less exposure to Vitamin D, because you are either cloudy and yuck, or it's so cold we can't go outside. You know what Vitamin D is for?  It's the Happy Vitamin.  Without it; we get the SADs. 

Lots of people have the SADs, maybe you could take some time off, and go look into this.  Maybe you should consider how your actions make others feel. 

I have included a couple helpful tips, if you insist on coming by every year, despite being fully aware that no one likes having you around.
  1. Don't stay so long.  No one likes it when a guest over stays their welcome, and you do that. A lot.
  2. Stop trying to take over time in Spring, Summer, and Fall.  There are four seasons, and we'd like to spend time with all of them.  When you come early, or when you stay late, it isn't fair to the other seasons, and frankly, it makes you look selfish.  You don't want us to think you are selfish, do you?
  3. If you do have to come for a visit, please leave your friends at home.  We are not interested in spending time with gale-force winds, or blowing snow.  We may even enjoy your company more, if we weren't dealing with your bumbling, foul-mouthed, drunken, delinquent friends.
  4. Try being less dreary.  I don't think it would kill you to try and brighten things up a bit.  Maybe you could bring colourful snow.  Orange or neon green.  You've been doing the same white theme for years now, and it's tired and old.  The other seasons have bright colours. Maybe that's a bandwagon you should consider jumping on. Just saying.
I feel that we would all get along a lot better, if you adopted some new policies.  If it doesn't work, we can certainly reassess at a later date, but currently, you are a firm "Needs Improvement" on your team building skills and general likability.

I'm sorry it had to come to this, and that I had to be the one to hurt your feelings. But you had to know how we feel, now that you do, we can all stop living a lie.

The People

P.S. The other seasons will be receiving letters about how to stand up for themselves, and how to avoid being bullied by you.  Consider yourself warned.

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