Saturday, 17 December 2011

Vision of My Daughter Dating

I went to check on my daughter while she was sleeping the other night. I do it every night, sometimes she wakes up and we have a sleepy conversation more often she just sleeps through it.
My mind flashed forward 10 years, I wish it was 20 or 30 or 100, but realistically it was 10.
This is how I imagined it will happen:
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The Man opens the door.
Intense silence and stare down time. People find The Man very intimidating. This is a good thing.
Date: “I’m here to date your daughter.”
What the Man hears: “I’m a psycho axe murderer and I’m here for your daughter.” (This is probably what Cheryl Bradshaw’s father/stepfather would have thought if she had actually agreed to date Rodney Alcala after he won the Dating Game. Luckily for her she refused to go out with him even after she chose him to be the winner but then decided he was too creepy.)
Date: “May I come in?”
What the Man hears: “I’d like to scope out your place for future potential illicit activities. IE: Break and Entry or a quick getaway.”
What the Man says: “Come in, have a seat.”
What the Date hears: “Come in, I’m going to cut you.” and the faint click of a shotgun.
The date comes in and sits down, because the Daughter will not be ready, of course .  There is a long awkward silence when I come into the room.
Me: “Would you like something to drink?”
What the Date hears: “I’ve poisoned everything in sight. Good luck.”
What the Date says: “No, thank you.”
What I hear: “I’m way too nervous, and I might pee on your coach.” Which would suck because it’s not actually our couch it belongs to The Man’s sister and I don’t think she would appreciate having some strange boy who was attempting to date her niece urinate on it.
What the Man hears: “I’d rather just take your daughter and leave it takes a long time to dismember a body and I kinda wanna get to it.”
The Daughter then comes down the stairs.
What the Date says: “You look fantastic.”
What I hear: “Your daughter is beautiful.”
What the Man hears: “I’m going to cut her into little bits so her beauty never fades.”
They then leave after I take a dozen or so photos to remember this moment in my little girl’s life.
What I think: “They look so cute. I hope I don't have to take a hit out on him later.”
What the Man thinks: “I’m going to tell Trina I’m going out to the store, and I’m going to follow this little punk and the moment he tries anything I’m going to pounce like a tiger (roar!!!!) and he’s going to be in for a world of pain and that will be a lesson to every other low life scumbag who tries to ‘date’ her.”
What the Date thinks: “Holy crap, she gave me the right information. I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world.”
What the daughter thinks: “He is the luckiest guy in the whole world.”
More likely The Man will meet up with the Ex and they’ll both follow them around then the Date will have Dad and Step Dad just hoping for him to do something really dumb.
Like pay for her movie/dinner or hold a door open.

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